School has been in session for about a month now (okay, maybe a little less) and I'm really and truly trying to get back into the school groove. I knew it would be an adjustment, but I guess I really need to get a better grasp of just how much time I will need to spend on school work in order to really and fully absorb it.

Aside from that, in the bigger picture, I've definitely noticed something about myself that I guess I've known for a while, but didn't really acknowledge; I will sometimes get stuck on the smallest things and they ultimately grow to feel like HUGE things!

For example, I had the option to either take my school's health insurance (which would be cheaper per semester than my other option) or to continue on COBRA that I get through my last job. I was relieved to hear that COBRA would be only about half of what it was for me the last time I used it. (I don't have the specifics on why right now, but I do have them at home.) ANYWAY, whenever I've had to make a decision about any job there has always been 1 factor that I absolutely must consider: will this insurance cover my breast issues?

This time around was no different. I had to make sure if I were to continue COBRA that I would be covered in the exact same way and I would be able to see a specialist here (specifically one that my breast surgeon in Boston recommended.) My school's insurance only covers 80% over lab and surgical procedures and if you are in a position where you need to have surgery that costs $13,000 - $18,000, having to pay 20% of that cost as a poor grad doesn't seem too appealing ($2,600 - $3,600, FYI.)

However, I really didn't want to call the insurance company not for a desire to have unanswered questions, but because any time I've called them I've had to be put on hold for at least 20 minutes and I don't have the patience for it. Therefore, I kept putting it off and putting it off and of course in my head, it became this HUGE task that I had to complete. Finally, I just CALLED them and got the answers I needed. During that whole period when I wasn't calling but had it on my mind, it was a constant burden and quite frankly, a royal pain in the ass. The more I knew I had to do it, the more I didn't want to do it.

It's funny that I'll get stuck on small tasks like that and then they will remain unfinished and seem insurmountable...until I just buck up, do it and it's done. It's also odd that I do this to myself because I HATE outstanding items. Hate hate HATE them!

I've made a promise to myself that I will try to push to get things done in a more effective and productive way. However, right now, I don't have a definitive solution or plan. Maybe I just have to get myself into the habit of doing it.

Thoughts?

It has been a solid month since I've written. Yowsers!

I thought I'd write about something that I've been feeling, specifically since I returned from my trip to Colorado with Joey, his family and friends. I'd like to preface all this by saying that I am indeed excited and thrilled to be going back to school and study Communications Design. I think it's going to be a fantastic 2.5 years, and I will learn a great deal. That being said...

I decided when I quit back in July that I would take off the month of August. I did this so I could regroup, recharge and be ready for this next step in my life. While I have been doing a lot of relaxing, I must say that I have been feeling stuck in a different way. I literally have NOTHING to do. I could do things like continue to unpack (we've had no time together to go shopping for apt things, so whatever needs to be housed is just kinda sitting around with no home yet), do crafty things, read, exercise, etc. However, I've found that this week in particular has been challenging to get myself motivated to do anything. I believe this is because a) I know school is so close to beginning and I just want it to already, and b) if I don't have some sort of schedule I sometimes have a difficult time creating one for myself. 

The weekends are different (at least when I was working.) I knew that I only had 2 days to get all the things that I wanted done DONE and if that was going to happen, I had to create a schedule for myself. However, when I have an entire week to do the little things that I want to do, that's when I get into trouble. 

I find myself stuck in a pool of laziness and procrastination. I want this to stop, especially as I'm moving into the Grad school phase of my life and I want to change some things about the way I work and some of my working habits.

This takes time. I've read in a few places that habits take 2-3 weeks to form. However, once you create them and they actually become habits, they don't seem like such a pain in the a** anymore. For example, at one point a few years ago I decided that each day when I came home from work I wanted to see a made bed in my room. I never made the time in the mornings to do it so when I came home from work and saw an unmade bed it made me feel like my life was in disarray. Granted, this was not the only thing that made me feel this way, but it was something I knew I could change. So I did. Now I make it close to every morning and it makes me feel better to see that when I get home after a hectic day.

It's ironic that I have all this freedom to move however I want with this free time and yet I have have a slight feeling of stuckness.

Letting go of things

As I'm currently packing and trying my hardest to throw away things that I'm not using, I've obviously come across clothing that I bought many moons ago and have kept. Some I've kept because I've genuinely like it, while others I believe are simply sitting in my closet for sentimental reasons. With this move and a fresh start, I plan to rid myself of that baggage (literally and figuratively) and embrace the fact that I'm a different person than I was in college and even than I was 3 years ago. 

I thought I'd post some articles of clothing that I've kept all this time and will be giving away. It's time.

This jacket dates back to my London days when I studied abroad during my 4th year in college. That was definitely a great experience. My friend, Calla, and I would head down to this area known as Deptford Market. It would be open every Wednesday and Saturday. This was all outdoor vendors selling everything from bags to fruit to batteries - you name it. There was one area that was equivalent to an outdoor thrift store that we would always hit up any time we ventured there. Within this vendor's area there was a rummage pile (similar to the 'Dollar a Pound' area at the Garment District.) It was great and I found this jacket for a pound. After I bought it, I wore it EVERYWHERE.

This cute little top I believe I purchased somewhere in America. It was probably Wet Seal or Forever21. I'd wear this on a Saturday night when I'd go out. It's sheer and if you wear a pink tank underneath it really does make for a cute outfit.

This hoodie was purchased at H&M, back when I wanted pretty much everything in the store. These days I enter and find a handful of things that are still appropriate for me to wear. This one, however, was one of my favorite hoodies to wear. I've always loved lots of color, so this was right up my alley.

I loved these shoes! I wanted them since freshman year in high school! (I think I bought them senior year, MAYBE freshman year in college.) They were always super expensive (over $100) for a plain pair and I could never quite swing that, nor could I justify it. (Boy, have things changed!) I never did wear them regularly, but I got them on sale for $40. I'd say I got my money's worth!

I got these shoes in London while I was studying abroad. I just thought these were so cute. I never did get past my love for polka dots, but I probably will not be purchasing more shoes like this in the future. Regardless, they made some of my ensembles that much cuter. I'm glad I had them and romped around London in them.

This is probably the oldest article of clothing I have/had. I got this shirt when I was in TENTH GRADE. Holy crap. I remember because I'd wear this shirt while I was dating a boy named Adam. This probably brings me back the most of all things, because I dressed very different than I do now. I've always dressed FUN, but I wore the wide leg jeans that would hide your sneakers, lots of necklaces (studded, candy, etc.) and basically had a lot of fun with my style. It was really good to let go of this.

My main point is that our clothing says a lot about us. Sometimes we hold onto it because we love it, while other times we just want to hold onto it because we can't actually hold onto the time and place that it was present from our life. 

Holding on to these things may actually cause us to feel stuck more than we realize. Throwing out clothing from another time in our lives can be liberating, and help us to move ourselves forward into the future, as uncomfortable and unfamiliar as it may be.

I remember distinctly when I first began to feel that I was stuck; it was 2 years ago and weather was getting warmer and resembling summer. I knew I wanted to be educated in some arena, but which one? Eventually, I began to fear that my brain was literally turning to mush. I knew my potential and that I was a smart individual, but it just wasn't being used! If this is the spot that you are currently in, I have some recommendations that helped me:


READ

The best thing I could think of to do was to read about topics that had always interested me.
I began reading books on feminism, a little religion and pretty much anything that would remind me that I was more than my job. I had other interests, goals and areas that I wanted to pursue. I actually took quite a few lunch breaks outside and kept to myself while I read. That hour of time in the middle of my day was very important for me to use. My mornings would sometimes be so frustrating, monotonous or boring that I just needed something to completely take my mind out of work mode. This definitely helped me to feel like I had more control over my life and helped me not to feel like this was all my life would amount to: a job that I didn't like. For the love of all that is holy, read read read! Read any topics that interest you, topics you've always thought about or topics you already have as an interest. You may stumble upon a new hobby or better yet, a career!


TAKE A CLASS

During the fall of 2007, I signed up for a class at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education. This is another great tool that can help. It was a class in humorous writing. I can't even begin to describe how great this was for this time in my life. Each week I would go to class, sit with a group of adults and we would share our funny stories in our own writing styles. This was helpful in a few ways:
1. I was using my creativity, which I love to do.
2. It forced me to reflect and remember some of the funniest moments of my life. This definitely put me in a better mood at times.
3. I was surrounded by new people, and listening to their work and critiquing was refreshing.

The class doesn't have to be expensive. If I remember correctly, this class only cost me something like $140.00 for about 9 weeks of classes. Not bad at all!

In the fall of 2008, I took a sewing class. It was fantastic and I learned great new skills. I didn't make any friends, but I now have a hundred new ideas that I can't wait to try out.


JOIN A GROUP/ACTIVITY

In the fall of 2009, one of my co-workers became involved in an independent film. One day she suggested I attend the weeking of filming, if nothing more than to see what it was all about. I decided to take a shot at it.

It turns out that it was a very interesting experience. I met new people and while the film probably won't be hitting the big screen anywhere, I met one of my dearest friends who was key in helping me through this time in my life. His positive words, attitude and ability to just listen to me and help me to see the positive side of things was priceless. I would consider him one of the best people I've ever met and had I not been willing to go to the filming I never would have met him. I'm forever grateful that he is in my life.


MAKE PLANS

This doesn't need to be great big plans, but it could be. Make plans to grab coffee, dinner or ice cream after work with some friends. Even a walk with someone who makes you laugh can be the perfect medicine. This will give you something to look forward to while you're at work, and will help you to forget the mental place you're in. Furthermore, it will bring you back to your core so you can focus on the fact that you're still YOU: you're just stuck in a place that you don't want to be.

Make big plans if you have the means! Plan a weekend away, and explore a city that you've never seen. Not only will this take you out of your physical space of 'stuckness' but it also will help mentally. I've always found (and still feel strongly) that removing yourself from a particular area always helps you to re-focus and see things way more clearly.


CREATE PROJECTS FOR YOURSELF

This spins off the sewing class that I took. I now have 3 plastic bins full of clothing and fabric scraps that I plan to put to good use. Next month, after everything has calmed down for me and before school starts I plan to do some serious crafting.

Is there a piece of furniture you want to get rid of? Maybe all it needs it a paint job with a new color to spruce things up in your place. Plants some vegetables or flowers you really love outside of your home, or in a pot inside.

Do whatever is the catalyst to get your brain thinking!

Those are my ideas. Feel free to add anything.

new beginnings

Nothing feels better when you're in a stagnant position more than seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...especially when there's a rainbow in the sky.

I'm grateful.

Be grateful for the people in your life who are the reason you get through tough times. Case in point:

Stuck with people you don't necessarily like

For anyone who has been around for the past 2-2.5 years of my life, it comes as no surprise that there were some people (especially workwise!) that I was less than thrilled to see each day. Going through this very difficult time in my life was not easy in and of itself, let alone when I had to face someone who consistently rubbed me the wrong way. Aside from all the other emotions I have experienced, seeing some people made me irritable, angry and the days seemed to DRAG.

I was looking on Yahoo! today to get my daily fill of horoscopes and celebrity gossip. I came across this blog/article/advice column/whatever the hell it is and found it very pertinent. This is a topic I will delve into more at some other point, but here is what it said:

Eight tips for liking someone better (or disliking that person less).

Some people are part of your life, whether you want them there or not. What if you don’t have the warmest of feelings for your boss? Your mother-in-law? Your next-door neighbor?
It’s easy to come up with a mental catalog of all the ways in which that person could change to be less annoying, domineering, passive-aggressive, arrogant, etc.—but the fact is, you can’t change anyone but yourself.

Here are some tips about how to help yourself cultivate more friendly feelings. It’s quite a strain to hide feelings of dislike; if you can manage to change your feelings, you’ll be much happier. It’s hard, but not impossible.

1. Seek contact. This is a bit counter-intuitive. If you don't like someone, you probably feel like avoiding that person, but because of the psychological phenomenon known as the mere exposure effect, we tend to like people better the more we see them.

2. Do nice things for that person. “We prefer to see those to whom we do good than those who do good to us,” as La Rochefoucauld observed.

3. Give that person a brief touch. Subliminal touching, i.e., touching a person so unobtrusively that it’s not noticed, increases people’s sense of well-being and positive feelings.

4. Lighten up. Joke about whatever annoys you, and if you can manage it, laugh about it with that person, or poke fun at your own reaction. Nothing neutralizes bad feelings like a good laugh. This can be tough, however.

5. Act friendly. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often we feel because of the way we act. So act the way you want to feel. This is uncannily effective—just try it.

6. Resist criticizing that person. When you voice your complaints, they assume a solidity in your mind that’s hard to eliminate. When your thoughts remain unspoken, they can more easily be changed.

7. Remember happy shared experiences. Recalling good times elevates mood and will help warm your feelings.8. Be grateful. Reflecting on reasons to feel grateful, instead of reasons to be angry or annoyed, will help change your view.

grateful

I was just talking to my mom for a little while about our days. Today when I got home from work, there was a manila envelope in my mailbox from her. She's having a jewelry party this weekend and mailed me the catalogue so that I can look through it and she'll get something for me through a discounted price.

It's little things like this that make me realize again and again how lucky I am to have her in my life. She's extremely thoughtful. In fact, everything she does she considers my sister and myself. If she's picking up some clothes, 'Is there anything here Hill would like?' 'That's Amanda's favorite color. Maybe I should pick that up for her.' Seriously, everything she does she thinks of us. It makes me feel really selfish sometimes. Each day, especially as I've experienced this STUCK feeling more and more, it seems like all I've had time to do (or allowed myself to do) has been to try to get through this part of my life. It's almost as if I've been so overwhelmed by everything that I've retreated to tunnel vision not because I think I'm more important than anyone else, but because I've felt so overwhelmed by my own life that I wasn't sure I could take on thinking about too many things.

I'm extremely happy to be moving closer to my mom. Now, I can probably see her at least once a month and I'll feel like I can make more of a contribution in her life and actually do things with her or for her. This may be as simple as grocery shopping or helping her pick out shoes for a cocktail party. All I know is that I've missed her terribly in the past few years and I'm so glad that I'll get to take back some of that time by creating new memories as I move forward in my life and my education in September.

When you're feeling stuck and so overwhelmed, sometimes it's a really good thing to do something selfless and be grateful for all the important people in your life. This isn't just one of those generic 'Look on the bright side' sentiments because quite honestly, no one wants to hear that when you're stuck in a moment. It won't make you feel better, but I think being grateful will.

Surround yourself with lots of photos, collages and tokens of the important people in your life. Email, write or call often and hear the voice of someone who's important to you: someone without whom your life would be completely different. 

At this point in time, I won't say that I'm completely UNstuck because I'd be lying if I said that. However, one of the symptoms of my stuckness took over a little this afternoon. I could feel myself in a grouchy mood upon my walk and arrival home. Then I saw the catalogue from my mom and it made me want to call her. Now I've spoken to her, feel energized and I'm ready to start my cleansing (i.e. cleaning out my closet - yikes!) as well as some yoga/meditation later. 

Tending to your mental health when you're stuck

Are you the type of person who does not like to bombard people with your problems? Or maybe you just frankly don't like talking about them, and letting people in on just how much is on your mind, what's on your mind and to what extent it is interferring with your daily life.

Throughout this entire experience, there have definitely been times when I did not want to, once again, unload on one of my friends or the person I was dating. After a while, I knew they'd get sick of hearing it and quite frankly, who wants to be around someone who's negative all the time? I sure as hell don't! In fact, that is one of my current goals: to wash my hands of all negativity (or at least as much as possible!) in my life, including people.

It was the beginning of Spring 2006 when I was unhappy at my previous job. My chi was completely out of wack! I knew that something needed to be done in order to change that. I began looking up different therapists and providers in my area. I called a few and while one in particular said she was not currently accepting new patients, she referred me to a social worker who was.

That's how Ruth became a constant part of my life.

We touched base on the phone, and she proceeded to tell me about herself, her education, how long she had been practicing, etc. She asked me to brief her on what issues I would be presenting to her in our sessions. I revealed to her that I was a 25 year old female, single and not a clue what the hell I was doing. My life felt completely out of order, I was panicked, frustrated, anxious and sometimes I felt depressed. We set up our first session.

My first appointment with her was a little intense. Then again, any other time I'd seen a therapist in the past, the pattern was the same. I'd sit down, the therapist would ask why I was there and I completely fell to pieces. I didn't even get to answer the question; the mere thought of what I knew had brought me to see someone was apparently enough to set me off. I suppose this was a result of me keeping all this to myself and never feeling like I definitely had complete freedom to let it all out to someone.

She was great about it. In her years of counseling people, I knew I wasn't the first person to cry in a session and I sure as f*ck wouldn't be the last. I brought a list of things I wanted to discuss and believe me, it was lengthy. She took notes that session and for a few following, just to get herself acquainted with my life, the people in it, their roles and so forth.

I definitely cried within the first few sessions with her, and every now and again I'll find myself getting teary eyed about some topics. Overall, however, I'm able to just walk in, sit on the couch and spew out everything that's on my mind. Ruth has this great role balance; she's able to let me be crazy when I just need a moment to be crazy, and she also has this great way of metaphorically smacking me around and yelling, 'Snap out of it!' when I need that.

Over 3 years later, I still see her twice a month and she never takes notes while I'm there. I'm sure she documents our conversations after I leave, but she has everyone I've mentioned in my life pretty down pat. It's going to be weird to start this new stage of my life without seeing her every month. I am not certain if I will continue to see someone as I move to New York and get acquainted with my new life there.

A note to some people who have a stigma associated with seeing a therapist of any kind:
I'm going to be a little in-your-face about this, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart - GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. That old 'Only crazy people see therapists' BS may have worked 20 or 30 years ago (even though it was still just as stupid then), but it's 2009. Give me a break! And for those who are worried about how others will perceive you if they know you're seeing someone, you too need to GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. Why you're seeing a therapist is NO ONE'S business but your own. Your therapist isn't going to be posting your session on twitter, for crying out loud! What happens in your session stays in your session. And to top it off, anyone in your life who is that judgemental and actually would give a rat's ass about it probably shouldn't BE in your life. Rid your brain of that ridiculousness and be confident in your choice to see a therapist to better your mental health. If more people actually invested in their mental health, do you have any idea what kind of world we could be living in today?

For those who have considered seeing a therapist, TRY IT! It is extremely therapeutic to sit down and just talk about yourself and your own problems without having to hold back. You can talk about anything at all that's on your mind and someone will be listening! Your mental health is so important to take care of at an unstable time like this. I can honestly say that every 2 weeks when I go to see her, I almost always feel a sense of stress release and accomplishment after I leave and I am walking home.

I have not done all the research myself, but even for people who don't have health insurance or sucky health insurance I KNOW there are free clinics that offer counseling. You just have to look.

Friends and family will help you through this, no doubt. However, it's always good to get an objective ear and opinion. This time will pass, but it's the choices you make while it's passing that will make this journey that much more comfortable.

Today I took at yoga class at my gym. Anyone who knows me is well aware of how I feel about yoga. In the past when I've tried it, I've found that it makes me more anxious and nervous than anything. Downward Dog position is the one I definitely dislike the most (this still holds true after my class today.) However...

Something was different about today's class. Something about it was actually helpful in my attempt to relax and mellow out. Perhaps it was the types of stances we were in, or the specific yoga instructor I had leading the class. Perhaps it was also the fact that today after work on my way to the gym, my goal was to take a class that would allow me to relax. Often times there are different ways in which I need exercise to relax. Sometimes running helps, while other times I need a Bootcamp instructor yelling at me to do more pushups, move faster, do one more rep with the weights I'm using, etc. Whatever the case is, exercise has definitely been a great source of relief, especially during times of feeling stuck.

Last night I saw Ruth for the first time in a few weeks. I told her about how recently it seems that I let things get to me, and it feels like I have no control over it and how it affects my mood. Clearly, this is anything but true. However, the negative feelings and space I sometimes find myself in are overwhelming and I don't always know how to get myself out of the funk I'm feeling. 

Anyway, my experience today was a really positive one. I tried to remain focused on my breathing and maintaining the best stance I could. Also, it helped that during the last 10 minutes of class we basically laid on the floor and meditated. This is something that I KNOW helps me when I do it. 

My point is, when you're feeling stuck, these natural stress relievers can definitely help. Find out what exercise or physical exertion works best for you! Take a boxing class, make it a habit to walk every day, ride your bike or heck, walk your dog! Just do something that allows those endorphins to be released from your brain for a little while so you don't feel so inundated with negativity, sadness, anger, etc. It may not fix the displeasing situation that you're currently in, but at the very least it will give you something to look forward to each day: a time and place where you can physically let out all your feelings of frustration and potentially come out of it in a better mood. If nothing else, you will come out of it feeling neutral, if not better. 

Figure out what it is that YOU need to do to let out that energy and absorb more positive energy into your head. Exercise will help you through this stage in your life. It is believed by many that a healthy body. Do what you need to in order to create balance mentally and physically. 

Temp post

***I can't fix my header photo right now, so y'all will just have to look at it until I'm able to remedy.***

Stagnancy and friendships

There's something about seeing old friends that I feel can either hurt or help you when you're feeling stuck. Everyone has those friends that are friends of the past; you may not have much in common with them currently and yet, you have nothing but total, complete and unconditional love for them because of all that you've shared in your pasts. 

These friends can be extremely comforting in times of stagnancy. I think the reason that they can be comforting is because while you're currently feeling stuck, you're more focused on the laughs, jokes and experiences you've shared from the past. You don't necessarily think about moving forward in your lives together, even though you know that person will always be around. You spend time with that person and momentarily it seems like the current displeasing situation disappears. You revert back to that time in high school when you stayed out all night together for the first time; the time you found yourself crying your eyes out on your friend's bedroom floor because you got a taste of what a broken heart felt like; the time you all tried pot together, but didn't actually know how to smoke it. All these silly yet important experiences have somehow shaped you, and you have these people from your past to thank for taking part in the development of you as an individual.

Conversely, old friends can serve as the complete opposite You see your old friends and feel nothing but even more of that daunting and uncontrollably uncomfortable feeling because you hear what your friends are doing and feel as if you're light years behind. 

I remember when I went home for Christmas during the winter of 2007 and met some people at a local bar for drinks. There was a large group of us, but one friends in particular approached me and asked me how I was doing. At the time, I was working my lame job, nowhere near making a decision on the next step of my life and the only really fantastic thing I had was my boyfriend. (I've never been the girl to feel like all is well in my world as long as I have a good relationship. I like it and I'm grateful to have it, but I want everything. I want the great schooling and career, the great health AND the great relationship. Let's face it: if something happens to my relationship or Joey and I don't have all that lined up the way I want it, I'm basically SOL. Nothing in this world scares me more than depending on someone else to provide me with all my happiness.)

Anyway, Thad asked me how I was doing and I answered, "Okay." It was so strange, because I couldn't even fake being okay. I know I probably sounded hopeless. Everyone I knew that night was either in school, done with school and had their career on a healthy path or at least knew which way they were headed. In my mind, at that time, I had a job. THAT'S IT. And with that response he looked at me with this look of concern and all I could do was shrug my shoulders. There was nothing more to say. 

Other than one heart felt email to my close friends at home, I don't think I've ever really opened up to any of them on this topic. I don't know if they have had the same stuck feelings at any point. I've sometimes felt as though I pushed some people away and that was frustrating for me.

Whether you consider these long time friends to be comforting or discouraging to your own view of yourself, try not to alienate them. Friends are there to support, listen and catch you when you fall. Consider this a time to allow those friends to be your wings. Let them be there to guide you, listen, let you cry or scream and just LET them be there for you. 

Remember that those friends have seen you through the good times as well as the bad. Your friendship has probably been tested many times in the past and will continue to do so as you grow into your adult life. Those are the people who have seen you at your worst...but they are not going anywhere. Including them in this part of your life will only strengthen your friendship and more importantly, it will provide with a gift during this particularly challenging time in your life. 

With all the turmoil you are currently facing, it is essential that you permit the important people in your life into your mind and feelings. They WILL give you an inordinate amount of comfort if you can learn to let them.

Yesterday was my birthday. I spent some of it opening gifts, grabbing lunch and I attempted shopping in Downtown Crossing. This, however, only resulted in me deciding to walk around a little and let my thoughts wander. In the time I spent walking around, I tried to do some soul searching. Not necessarily a negative space to be in, but more so about reflection in seeing what I’m doing, where I’ve been, and what still is to come in my near future.

I’m 27 years old, and I’m trying to really think about what that means. Should there be certain things I have accomplished by this time in my life? Is there a formula that eventually equals where you should be in your life that is proportional to your age? Moreover, I’ve tried to think about the person I’ve become. I know that I’m not finished growing. Grad school will change me in some time, no doubt, as well as eventually settling down. I can’t even imagine how much kids are going to change me when I eventually have them. But as for now it’s just me; 27 years old, working, on my own, paying my way, living by myself and doing my thing each day, in the best relationship I think I’ve ever had, I’ve been working in the same place for a little over 2 years, and in that time I’ve moved positions to something closer to what I want. I don’t feel as though I currently have any particularly amazing lifestyle, but this is where I am.

Is this what life is like for the typical 27 year old? I know so many people my age who are all at different places in their lives. Some just recently finished their undergrad while others are wrapping up their doctorates, some have moved up in their company and are now managers while others still live at home with their parents, not working and just partying as if they are 20 years old. I guess it turns out that there isn’t any real plan or course that you’re supposed to take. What a load of crap! I suppose it’s great because that means you have a buttload of freedom to build your own path however you want. That also makes it really scary because it causes you to second guess yourself when you’re paving out something and you’ve never....”paved” before.

I think many people can agree that when you feel ‘stuck’ at a particular point in your life, your birthday either distracts you from it, giving you a feeling and sense of refreshment or it puts you into panic mode. In the past, I’ve definitely tried to use my birthday as a means of escape. I’d plan something big so I would have something to look forward to and hope that it put me in a better mood. In my past reflections on getting older, I think I’ve panicked a little about them because I felt so stuck and because I just wanted everything to move already. Last year I was 26. In my head I thought, Oh g-d, I’m 26 and that means that I NEED to get this show on the road. It’s getting closer...

In looking back, what does that even mean? Does anyone else ever get this sense? This ambiguous but horrifying IT draws nearer as each year passes...but what does that mean? What is the IT? Is it the end of your life? Is it an exact age, like 30, that’s getting closer and you’re afraid of it? And what will happen if IT comes and you’re not exactly where you want to be? Will the sky fall down? No. Will your life end? No. Women – will you lose your window to have children? (In more cases than not) No. So why the hell do we dread this number or idea that by a certain point in time we should have accomplished A, B, C and D? All that happens is that we’re a year older, and we keep on heading toward our goals the same way we did yesterday.

And even for those who start down their path and are certain they are headed down the path that they want, that can (and usually does) change after a while. I had a few friends who knew right off the bat what they wanted and started their careers RIGHT out of school. Maybe 1 of them now is still in that field. As lost as someone who is stuck may feel in not having a path, so can a person who chose a path and then realized he/she still has other things he/she wants to pursue. That’s slightly comforting, but having been someone who is JUST now getting out of a feeling of being stuck, I can say that it does not seem to offer that much comfort. I guess the reason is that despite the fact that when facing either situation the end result is the same for both of you, being stuck you feel like at least the person who entered a field without exploring first has something to show for it (if nothing else, just to pump up their resume.)

Now looking back, I see that I’m on a path somewhere. I think year 27 will be better than many before it and I’m excited to be starting it. In many ways, during my 27th year I will be starting over. Moving to a new (well, new in terms of never having actually LIVED in it) city, new school, I will probably meet a bunch of new people and my lifestyle in a general will make a switch. I will be using my day to day to be creative and I am beyond excited.

What I think I’ve taken from all this is that each person is different. You can’t control the turning points in your life. They’re called turning points because you don’t expect them, and then suddenly there they are and you have this new perspective or path or opportunity you never before even considered! It all comes with time – it’s just the amount of time that makes it uncomfortable. You feel as though you’re constantly driving on a foggy day and can only see about 20 feet ahead of you. Try to keep faith that despite how you may feel, there is always something you can learn and gain from what you’re doing now even if that seems like a bunch of BS. For example, my current job now does not take much brain power (although its gotten better since I moved positions) but I realized in doing all this just how much I need to be creative in my everyday work in order to be happy. Through working a job where I was practically starving for a creative outlet, I finally realized, ‘Well sh*t! I want to be creative in my every day work!’ and thus the beginnings of my search for a creative grad program. Now look at me; starting at Pratt in the fall and finally feeling like my life is on its way to where I need it to be in order to be happy.

So celebrate your birthday and try not to think about the passing year as a deadline approaching, but as a step closer to being where you really want to be.

Any thoughts, advice or experience welcome!

Being "stuck" and losing someone to illness

It's amazing how much happens when we're faced with an illness of someone close to us. Some people cry, some stay as busy as humanly possible and some don't even notice because it doesn't hit them until...well, until it does. During a time of being "stuck" I, although extremely hard to cope with, think that illness of people close to me also has brought me a new perspective of this stage of stagnancy. Throughout this period in my life I've lost my grandmother, a friend and my grandpa.

I'd have to say that the one who left the most lasting impression on me was Laurens, Joey's former roommate and best friend. I met him shortly after Joey and I first started dating in September of 2007. He'd been battling cancer for a few years. At the point when I met him he'd just completed yet another surgery in efforts to kick the cancer out of his nervous system. Over the course of the 4-5 months I got to know Laurens, and he apparently liked me enough to even open up to me about a few things. It wasn't the actual topics or information that was important as much as the fact that he felt comfortable enough to talk to me about such things. It was such a great feeling because as I got to know and care about Joey, I wanted to make sure that his best friend approved.

As the months went on from fall to winter his illness affected me more and more. I felt stupid about the things that bothered me and the worries that consumed my mind. I remember as I was spending a day at the mall shopping for gifts for my family I talked to Joey and told him how stupid I felt, doing such a petty task like buying gifts when his best friend just wanted to make it to SEE Christmas. Doctors tried every possible treatment, including experimental drugs but nothing worked. Laurens died on February 18, 2008 at the age of 31.

The whole experience was very emotional and very much an eye opener. Although it doesn't always seem like it to those around me, I feel as though I've developed (and will continue to develop) a far more organic outlook. Mental health (be it to talk to someone or exercise) is extremely important to me now, and I do whatever I need to in order to achieve the best possible mental health. Doing what makes me happy is of the utmost importance. The way I see it, if the world were to be destroyed by a natural disaster tomorrow, would I be happy doing what I'm doing today?

Its been a lot to think about, especially in the past year. With this new point of view, I've tried to expel as much negativity from my life as possible. This includes habits, thoughts and quite frankly, it includes people as well. We only have so much time while we're here, and the time that I have that's free I don't necessarily want to spend with anyone who does not have a positive influence in my life. This includes people who express feelings of judgement, insecurity (which then is perpetrated onto others), closed mindedness or those who are afraid to leave their comfort zone and criticize those who are not afraid to do so. Negativity is like poison for your life, and it's contagious. I decided that I did not want that in my life, as much as I could help it.

Laurens died at a very young age, which could happen to anyone. The important point is it take everything you can in stride, and appreciate the positive things in your life. Looking back (especially now that I know what my next step will be) I feel pretty stupid for all my freakouts about being stuck in one spot. Here I was, totally panicking about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. When I met Laurens, he was wondering if he'd even HAVE a "rest of his life."

Keep loved ones close to you always, and do what makes you happy. At the end of the day, the other crap just doesn't matter.

How did I get here?

I can’t even begin to talk about how many times I had this thought once I realized that I definitely was somehow lost. I re-traced my steps and wondered where I’d gone wrong. How is it possible that I had so much structure and definitive path my whole life and now I have every opportunity in front of me and I feel like I’m at a dead end? I mostly felt this in my second job.

 

I took my second job as an escape from my first job. Things got to a point where I could not function at work because I was so frustrated and fed up with my Supervisor. Literally, I couldn’t come into work each day without being aggravated just knowing that I was going to have to interact with *Laura for 8 hours. This also wasn’t your regular run-of-the-mill ‘I don’t like my boss’ crap. It wasn’t just the fact that she was my boss. I was frustrated about a lot of things; the fact that the line between friendship and Supervisor/Employee were blurry, her communication skills were deplorable, my Supervisor had no experience or idea how to actually supervise, she had her own insecurities that filtered into her professional life and quite frankly, she just sucked in that portion of her job. However, because she sucked at it I suffered. I won’t get caught up in details – I’ll just leave it at the fact that I was pretty miserable. I left around my year and a half mark.

 

I took my second job because I just wanted to be in a setting where there was neutrality. Granted, this job was far less responsibility than a) I was used to or b) than I could handle but after being so tired of hating going to work each day I just wanted to be in a place where I did my job, went home and did whatever I wanted. I wanted some down time and a place where I didn’t hate to go each day and I thought this would also give me an opportunity to figure out what the hell I wanted. I will admit, a sleep medicine clinic is not your regular doctor’s office and there ARE things to learn and understand in order to do your job, but once you learn them you’re pretty much set. I learned my job in about 4-6 months and at that point I started to feel the itch that I was not being used to my fullest potential. I asked for some more challenging work and kind of got it, but not really. I began looking for a new job about 9 months after I started. I looked for Coordinator types of positions, some Executive Assistant (which I wasn’t crazy about, but some of them looked quasi-interesting.) For some reason, any time I applied for jobs something about me in my resume screamed that I wasn’t able to handle anything besides triaging calls, making photo copies, filing and basically being the office b*tch. This was also frustrating to me because I KNOW myself and I know what I’m capable of. I have a great deal of skills that are just waiting to be used and no one was picking up on that.

 

There’s an overwhelming feeling that comes when you take a step back and realize that you’re nowhere NEAR where you thought you’d be when you imagine your adult life as you grow up.  I’ve only recently (read: in the past 4 years) come to understand the feelings anxiety and panic. I NEVER felt these growing up or in high school. At some point during this employment, I started to have panic attacks. Granted, they didn't happen all the time, but they DID happen out of nowhere. 

To be perfectly honest, as time went on here I grew to be ashamed of what I did not because of the actual job, but because I knew I wasn’t working up to my full potential and that made me ashamed of myself. So there I was; working a job that I didn't like, was not proud and feeling like crap about myself and no one in the outside work force seemed to acknowledge my potential and wanted me on their team for more than, 'How can I help you?' positions. I'm sure you can imagine just how pleasant I was at work. It didn't help at this point that my Supervisor was switched to someone new who was a NITWIT. Things just sucked.

Looking back, I still feel like this was an extremely difficult time for me. I'm so glad to be where I am now, but at the time when I had that, 'How did I get here?' moment it was terrifying because never in the past had I seen myself at 25 years old being in a meaningless job, unhappy, making crappy money and just basically existing.

I remember saying to myself once I was approaching the end of college that I thought I wanted to just get a job and exist for a while (literally that was how I worded it!) It took this experience to realize that's not what I wanted at all. Sometimes we need that kick in the pants to develop ourselves as human beings. In hindsight this is a great learning experience. 

Sometimes, it takes situations like this to realize that what you thought you wanted is actually the last thing you wanted. 

 

What was your 'How did I get here?' moment like?

Late night quote

While I don't have much time right now, at 2:30AM to write the post I know to be my next I wanted to share a quote that I've loved for a long time and is incredibly true:

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

~Robert Frost

I've always loved this quote. It's one of the few certain things we know about life. It's not stopping and we can't go back in time. We must keep moving forward.

This idea can definitely give some hope and a little comfort when going through a period of "stuckness." Every day that you go through it is one less day you will have to go through it, and one day closer to getting out of the place you're currently in. Each day that passes in your frozen state is a step toward getting past this point in your life and realizing what the best next step is for you to take. To me, this quote is not just an opinion, words of wisdom or even words of comfort; it's a fact. Life does go on, because it has to and WE have to.

What are some quotes that you think are applicable as well? What quotes or sayings are helpful in getting you through tough times of being stuck?

What just happened?

stuck: adj. a stoppage or a standstill (according to dictionary.com)

This word became the entire summation of the past 4 years for me. Granted, in hindsight, it doesn’t seem like a long time when you consider the 23 years I spent leading up to that with some type of plan, but while you're actually in the position of BEING stuck, its an eternity. I am a 26 year old who has JUST found out that her life will continue, and she will not live the rest of her life in a mind-numbing job that she knows she settled for when she accepted the offer in the first place.

It’s crazy how this emotion seemed to muster up and got increasingly intense until a sudden point when I realized all that I was feeling could be summed up in these three words. All my life I had a distinctive plan and path I was going down. There was never a question as to what the next step in life would be. As a kid you go to school, work hard especially in high school to make it into college, you go to college, graduate and get a job in your major field of study, right? Wow, I really wish I'd know just how different life is outside 'the plan' or more importantly that plans don't really matter when push comes to shove. Life often does not give a rat's a** about your plan and when that happens, you're left to figure it out.

This notion of, 'What just happened?' occurred to me once I'd been at my second job since college for about 6 months. I took the job to get out of my first one, because I was so unhappy. I couldn't believe that after the money, time and education THIS is what I was doing. I was so unhappy, bored and irritable. I began to think of all the other possible ways I could be spending my time. I began to look into new jobs and schools. After much looking and researching it finally dawned on me: I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do. I knew this job was not what I wanted to be doing, but I also could not pinpoint how I did want to be spending my time. How the hell are you supposed to move forward when there's a wall in front of you?

This feeling is scary and almost claustrophobic. It gives you a feeling that you have no control over your life. And for someone like me, who has little patience to begin with, this was not a good place for me to be. All I wanted to do was move forward with my life, but it seemed as if there were this new, unstoppable force freezing me into one spot: stuck.

Have you ever experienced 'the wall'?

Intro's

Hello Readers:

Welcome to the window into my crazy little head! I started this blog because I’m now looking back on what I’ve experienced through the last 4 years and definitely wished I had something similar to read so I could rest assured that I wasn’t a) crazy or b) alone. I can’t believe how much I’ve seen and how much I’ve grown. The jobs I’ve had, people I have met and those whom I lost were all there for a reason and now that I’m moving on to the next chapter in my life I’m finally ready to reflect and share some of the lessons I’ve learned and ones I hope will help people who read this. I suppose some would call it a Quarter-Life Crisis, but quite honestly, I think these feelings and experiences can happen at any point in life. The fact that it’s Quarter-Life only really makes sense because I’m in my mid-20s.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me introduce...myself. My name is Hillary and I am a soon-to-be 27 year old female living in the Boston area. I grew up in New York and moved to Boston for college. I graduated in 2005 and for one reason or another have been here ever since. I’ve just about completed the most emotional, unstable and uncomfortable 4 years of my entire life. The theme of the past 4 years? “What the hell am I doing with my life?!” I think it probably has been one of the most exhausting and scary things I’ve ever been through but I know that as a result of it all, I’m now on a track that I believe is the one that will make me very happy. I recently was accepted to the Pratt Institute for a Masters program. I begin on August 31st, and I’m absolutely jazzed!

That being said, I plan to open myself up to those reading and share a lot of intimate details and experiences from my life. I hope some readers can relate, and I am open to comments and similar experiences. I would like this to be a safe and accepting space where people can express their feelings of frustration, anxiety, or anything you’re feeling during this stage in your life. After all, much of our learning happens when we interact with one another. My goal through this blog is if nothing else, is for those who are currently faced with this overwhelming sense of ‘What the hell am I doing with my life?’ will develop some faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that they will see it soon and see that others are feeling it as well.

This is my experience as I’ve come to understand it. I’m sure as even more time goes on that I will understand even more about it and why it was such an important stage in my life despite how anxious, terrified, emotional and depressed I was at times.

To describe this stage, I can think of only one word to define it: stuck.

Thanks for reading. This is probably one of the most difficult things times in your life, but please know that you are NOT alone. People around you may not talk about it or may not seem like they are facing the same situation, but there are many of us out there! I’m living proof! Take comfort in that.

Finally, remember that when all else fails, try to have faith and surround yourself with the ones you love. They will be the ones to keep you sane during this time of what seems like total insanity. Make those people your foundation...because more than likely they are.


Be well,
Hillary