open your eyes

Yesterday was my birthday. I spent some of it opening gifts, grabbing lunch and I attempted shopping in Downtown Crossing. This, however, only resulted in me deciding to walk around a little and let my thoughts wander. In the time I spent walking around, I tried to do some soul searching. Not necessarily a negative space to be in, but more so about reflection in seeing what I’m doing, where I’ve been, and what still is to come in my near future.

I’m 27 years old, and I’m trying to really think about what that means. Should there be certain things I have accomplished by this time in my life? Is there a formula that eventually equals where you should be in your life that is proportional to your age? Moreover, I’ve tried to think about the person I’ve become. I know that I’m not finished growing. Grad school will change me in some time, no doubt, as well as eventually settling down. I can’t even imagine how much kids are going to change me when I eventually have them. But as for now it’s just me; 27 years old, working, on my own, paying my way, living by myself and doing my thing each day, in the best relationship I think I’ve ever had, I’ve been working in the same place for a little over 2 years, and in that time I’ve moved positions to something closer to what I want. I don’t feel as though I currently have any particularly amazing lifestyle, but this is where I am.

Is this what life is like for the typical 27 year old? I know so many people my age who are all at different places in their lives. Some just recently finished their undergrad while others are wrapping up their doctorates, some have moved up in their company and are now managers while others still live at home with their parents, not working and just partying as if they are 20 years old. I guess it turns out that there isn’t any real plan or course that you’re supposed to take. What a load of crap! I suppose it’s great because that means you have a buttload of freedom to build your own path however you want. That also makes it really scary because it causes you to second guess yourself when you’re paving out something and you’ve never....”paved” before.

I think many people can agree that when you feel ‘stuck’ at a particular point in your life, your birthday either distracts you from it, giving you a feeling and sense of refreshment or it puts you into panic mode. In the past, I’ve definitely tried to use my birthday as a means of escape. I’d plan something big so I would have something to look forward to and hope that it put me in a better mood. In my past reflections on getting older, I think I’ve panicked a little about them because I felt so stuck and because I just wanted everything to move already. Last year I was 26. In my head I thought, Oh g-d, I’m 26 and that means that I NEED to get this show on the road. It’s getting closer...

In looking back, what does that even mean? Does anyone else ever get this sense? This ambiguous but horrifying IT draws nearer as each year passes...but what does that mean? What is the IT? Is it the end of your life? Is it an exact age, like 30, that’s getting closer and you’re afraid of it? And what will happen if IT comes and you’re not exactly where you want to be? Will the sky fall down? No. Will your life end? No. Women – will you lose your window to have children? (In more cases than not) No. So why the hell do we dread this number or idea that by a certain point in time we should have accomplished A, B, C and D? All that happens is that we’re a year older, and we keep on heading toward our goals the same way we did yesterday.

And even for those who start down their path and are certain they are headed down the path that they want, that can (and usually does) change after a while. I had a few friends who knew right off the bat what they wanted and started their careers RIGHT out of school. Maybe 1 of them now is still in that field. As lost as someone who is stuck may feel in not having a path, so can a person who chose a path and then realized he/she still has other things he/she wants to pursue. That’s slightly comforting, but having been someone who is JUST now getting out of a feeling of being stuck, I can say that it does not seem to offer that much comfort. I guess the reason is that despite the fact that when facing either situation the end result is the same for both of you, being stuck you feel like at least the person who entered a field without exploring first has something to show for it (if nothing else, just to pump up their resume.)

Now looking back, I see that I’m on a path somewhere. I think year 27 will be better than many before it and I’m excited to be starting it. In many ways, during my 27th year I will be starting over. Moving to a new (well, new in terms of never having actually LIVED in it) city, new school, I will probably meet a bunch of new people and my lifestyle in a general will make a switch. I will be using my day to day to be creative and I am beyond excited.

What I think I’ve taken from all this is that each person is different. You can’t control the turning points in your life. They’re called turning points because you don’t expect them, and then suddenly there they are and you have this new perspective or path or opportunity you never before even considered! It all comes with time – it’s just the amount of time that makes it uncomfortable. You feel as though you’re constantly driving on a foggy day and can only see about 20 feet ahead of you. Try to keep faith that despite how you may feel, there is always something you can learn and gain from what you’re doing now even if that seems like a bunch of BS. For example, my current job now does not take much brain power (although its gotten better since I moved positions) but I realized in doing all this just how much I need to be creative in my everyday work in order to be happy. Through working a job where I was practically starving for a creative outlet, I finally realized, ‘Well sh*t! I want to be creative in my every day work!’ and thus the beginnings of my search for a creative grad program. Now look at me; starting at Pratt in the fall and finally feeling like my life is on its way to where I need it to be in order to be happy.

So celebrate your birthday and try not to think about the passing year as a deadline approaching, but as a step closer to being where you really want to be.

Any thoughts, advice or experience welcome!