new beginnings

Nothing feels better when you're in a stagnant position more than seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...especially when there's a rainbow in the sky.

I'm grateful.

Be grateful for the people in your life who are the reason you get through tough times. Case in point:

Stuck with people you don't necessarily like

For anyone who has been around for the past 2-2.5 years of my life, it comes as no surprise that there were some people (especially workwise!) that I was less than thrilled to see each day. Going through this very difficult time in my life was not easy in and of itself, let alone when I had to face someone who consistently rubbed me the wrong way. Aside from all the other emotions I have experienced, seeing some people made me irritable, angry and the days seemed to DRAG.

I was looking on Yahoo! today to get my daily fill of horoscopes and celebrity gossip. I came across this blog/article/advice column/whatever the hell it is and found it very pertinent. This is a topic I will delve into more at some other point, but here is what it said:

Eight tips for liking someone better (or disliking that person less).

Some people are part of your life, whether you want them there or not. What if you don’t have the warmest of feelings for your boss? Your mother-in-law? Your next-door neighbor?
It’s easy to come up with a mental catalog of all the ways in which that person could change to be less annoying, domineering, passive-aggressive, arrogant, etc.—but the fact is, you can’t change anyone but yourself.

Here are some tips about how to help yourself cultivate more friendly feelings. It’s quite a strain to hide feelings of dislike; if you can manage to change your feelings, you’ll be much happier. It’s hard, but not impossible.

1. Seek contact. This is a bit counter-intuitive. If you don't like someone, you probably feel like avoiding that person, but because of the psychological phenomenon known as the mere exposure effect, we tend to like people better the more we see them.

2. Do nice things for that person. “We prefer to see those to whom we do good than those who do good to us,” as La Rochefoucauld observed.

3. Give that person a brief touch. Subliminal touching, i.e., touching a person so unobtrusively that it’s not noticed, increases people’s sense of well-being and positive feelings.

4. Lighten up. Joke about whatever annoys you, and if you can manage it, laugh about it with that person, or poke fun at your own reaction. Nothing neutralizes bad feelings like a good laugh. This can be tough, however.

5. Act friendly. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often we feel because of the way we act. So act the way you want to feel. This is uncannily effective—just try it.

6. Resist criticizing that person. When you voice your complaints, they assume a solidity in your mind that’s hard to eliminate. When your thoughts remain unspoken, they can more easily be changed.

7. Remember happy shared experiences. Recalling good times elevates mood and will help warm your feelings.8. Be grateful. Reflecting on reasons to feel grateful, instead of reasons to be angry or annoyed, will help change your view.

grateful

I was just talking to my mom for a little while about our days. Today when I got home from work, there was a manila envelope in my mailbox from her. She's having a jewelry party this weekend and mailed me the catalogue so that I can look through it and she'll get something for me through a discounted price.

It's little things like this that make me realize again and again how lucky I am to have her in my life. She's extremely thoughtful. In fact, everything she does she considers my sister and myself. If she's picking up some clothes, 'Is there anything here Hill would like?' 'That's Amanda's favorite color. Maybe I should pick that up for her.' Seriously, everything she does she thinks of us. It makes me feel really selfish sometimes. Each day, especially as I've experienced this STUCK feeling more and more, it seems like all I've had time to do (or allowed myself to do) has been to try to get through this part of my life. It's almost as if I've been so overwhelmed by everything that I've retreated to tunnel vision not because I think I'm more important than anyone else, but because I've felt so overwhelmed by my own life that I wasn't sure I could take on thinking about too many things.

I'm extremely happy to be moving closer to my mom. Now, I can probably see her at least once a month and I'll feel like I can make more of a contribution in her life and actually do things with her or for her. This may be as simple as grocery shopping or helping her pick out shoes for a cocktail party. All I know is that I've missed her terribly in the past few years and I'm so glad that I'll get to take back some of that time by creating new memories as I move forward in my life and my education in September.

When you're feeling stuck and so overwhelmed, sometimes it's a really good thing to do something selfless and be grateful for all the important people in your life. This isn't just one of those generic 'Look on the bright side' sentiments because quite honestly, no one wants to hear that when you're stuck in a moment. It won't make you feel better, but I think being grateful will.

Surround yourself with lots of photos, collages and tokens of the important people in your life. Email, write or call often and hear the voice of someone who's important to you: someone without whom your life would be completely different. 

At this point in time, I won't say that I'm completely UNstuck because I'd be lying if I said that. However, one of the symptoms of my stuckness took over a little this afternoon. I could feel myself in a grouchy mood upon my walk and arrival home. Then I saw the catalogue from my mom and it made me want to call her. Now I've spoken to her, feel energized and I'm ready to start my cleansing (i.e. cleaning out my closet - yikes!) as well as some yoga/meditation later. 

Tending to your mental health when you're stuck

Are you the type of person who does not like to bombard people with your problems? Or maybe you just frankly don't like talking about them, and letting people in on just how much is on your mind, what's on your mind and to what extent it is interferring with your daily life.

Throughout this entire experience, there have definitely been times when I did not want to, once again, unload on one of my friends or the person I was dating. After a while, I knew they'd get sick of hearing it and quite frankly, who wants to be around someone who's negative all the time? I sure as hell don't! In fact, that is one of my current goals: to wash my hands of all negativity (or at least as much as possible!) in my life, including people.

It was the beginning of Spring 2006 when I was unhappy at my previous job. My chi was completely out of wack! I knew that something needed to be done in order to change that. I began looking up different therapists and providers in my area. I called a few and while one in particular said she was not currently accepting new patients, she referred me to a social worker who was.

That's how Ruth became a constant part of my life.

We touched base on the phone, and she proceeded to tell me about herself, her education, how long she had been practicing, etc. She asked me to brief her on what issues I would be presenting to her in our sessions. I revealed to her that I was a 25 year old female, single and not a clue what the hell I was doing. My life felt completely out of order, I was panicked, frustrated, anxious and sometimes I felt depressed. We set up our first session.

My first appointment with her was a little intense. Then again, any other time I'd seen a therapist in the past, the pattern was the same. I'd sit down, the therapist would ask why I was there and I completely fell to pieces. I didn't even get to answer the question; the mere thought of what I knew had brought me to see someone was apparently enough to set me off. I suppose this was a result of me keeping all this to myself and never feeling like I definitely had complete freedom to let it all out to someone.

She was great about it. In her years of counseling people, I knew I wasn't the first person to cry in a session and I sure as f*ck wouldn't be the last. I brought a list of things I wanted to discuss and believe me, it was lengthy. She took notes that session and for a few following, just to get herself acquainted with my life, the people in it, their roles and so forth.

I definitely cried within the first few sessions with her, and every now and again I'll find myself getting teary eyed about some topics. Overall, however, I'm able to just walk in, sit on the couch and spew out everything that's on my mind. Ruth has this great role balance; she's able to let me be crazy when I just need a moment to be crazy, and she also has this great way of metaphorically smacking me around and yelling, 'Snap out of it!' when I need that.

Over 3 years later, I still see her twice a month and she never takes notes while I'm there. I'm sure she documents our conversations after I leave, but she has everyone I've mentioned in my life pretty down pat. It's going to be weird to start this new stage of my life without seeing her every month. I am not certain if I will continue to see someone as I move to New York and get acquainted with my new life there.

A note to some people who have a stigma associated with seeing a therapist of any kind:
I'm going to be a little in-your-face about this, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart - GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. That old 'Only crazy people see therapists' BS may have worked 20 or 30 years ago (even though it was still just as stupid then), but it's 2009. Give me a break! And for those who are worried about how others will perceive you if they know you're seeing someone, you too need to GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. Why you're seeing a therapist is NO ONE'S business but your own. Your therapist isn't going to be posting your session on twitter, for crying out loud! What happens in your session stays in your session. And to top it off, anyone in your life who is that judgemental and actually would give a rat's ass about it probably shouldn't BE in your life. Rid your brain of that ridiculousness and be confident in your choice to see a therapist to better your mental health. If more people actually invested in their mental health, do you have any idea what kind of world we could be living in today?

For those who have considered seeing a therapist, TRY IT! It is extremely therapeutic to sit down and just talk about yourself and your own problems without having to hold back. You can talk about anything at all that's on your mind and someone will be listening! Your mental health is so important to take care of at an unstable time like this. I can honestly say that every 2 weeks when I go to see her, I almost always feel a sense of stress release and accomplishment after I leave and I am walking home.

I have not done all the research myself, but even for people who don't have health insurance or sucky health insurance I KNOW there are free clinics that offer counseling. You just have to look.

Friends and family will help you through this, no doubt. However, it's always good to get an objective ear and opinion. This time will pass, but it's the choices you make while it's passing that will make this journey that much more comfortable.

Today I took at yoga class at my gym. Anyone who knows me is well aware of how I feel about yoga. In the past when I've tried it, I've found that it makes me more anxious and nervous than anything. Downward Dog position is the one I definitely dislike the most (this still holds true after my class today.) However...

Something was different about today's class. Something about it was actually helpful in my attempt to relax and mellow out. Perhaps it was the types of stances we were in, or the specific yoga instructor I had leading the class. Perhaps it was also the fact that today after work on my way to the gym, my goal was to take a class that would allow me to relax. Often times there are different ways in which I need exercise to relax. Sometimes running helps, while other times I need a Bootcamp instructor yelling at me to do more pushups, move faster, do one more rep with the weights I'm using, etc. Whatever the case is, exercise has definitely been a great source of relief, especially during times of feeling stuck.

Last night I saw Ruth for the first time in a few weeks. I told her about how recently it seems that I let things get to me, and it feels like I have no control over it and how it affects my mood. Clearly, this is anything but true. However, the negative feelings and space I sometimes find myself in are overwhelming and I don't always know how to get myself out of the funk I'm feeling. 

Anyway, my experience today was a really positive one. I tried to remain focused on my breathing and maintaining the best stance I could. Also, it helped that during the last 10 minutes of class we basically laid on the floor and meditated. This is something that I KNOW helps me when I do it. 

My point is, when you're feeling stuck, these natural stress relievers can definitely help. Find out what exercise or physical exertion works best for you! Take a boxing class, make it a habit to walk every day, ride your bike or heck, walk your dog! Just do something that allows those endorphins to be released from your brain for a little while so you don't feel so inundated with negativity, sadness, anger, etc. It may not fix the displeasing situation that you're currently in, but at the very least it will give you something to look forward to each day: a time and place where you can physically let out all your feelings of frustration and potentially come out of it in a better mood. If nothing else, you will come out of it feeling neutral, if not better. 

Figure out what it is that YOU need to do to let out that energy and absorb more positive energy into your head. Exercise will help you through this stage in your life. It is believed by many that a healthy body. Do what you need to in order to create balance mentally and physically.