Being "stuck" and losing someone to illness

It's amazing how much happens when we're faced with an illness of someone close to us. Some people cry, some stay as busy as humanly possible and some don't even notice because it doesn't hit them until...well, until it does. During a time of being "stuck" I, although extremely hard to cope with, think that illness of people close to me also has brought me a new perspective of this stage of stagnancy. Throughout this period in my life I've lost my grandmother, a friend and my grandpa.

I'd have to say that the one who left the most lasting impression on me was Laurens, Joey's former roommate and best friend. I met him shortly after Joey and I first started dating in September of 2007. He'd been battling cancer for a few years. At the point when I met him he'd just completed yet another surgery in efforts to kick the cancer out of his nervous system. Over the course of the 4-5 months I got to know Laurens, and he apparently liked me enough to even open up to me about a few things. It wasn't the actual topics or information that was important as much as the fact that he felt comfortable enough to talk to me about such things. It was such a great feeling because as I got to know and care about Joey, I wanted to make sure that his best friend approved.

As the months went on from fall to winter his illness affected me more and more. I felt stupid about the things that bothered me and the worries that consumed my mind. I remember as I was spending a day at the mall shopping for gifts for my family I talked to Joey and told him how stupid I felt, doing such a petty task like buying gifts when his best friend just wanted to make it to SEE Christmas. Doctors tried every possible treatment, including experimental drugs but nothing worked. Laurens died on February 18, 2008 at the age of 31.

The whole experience was very emotional and very much an eye opener. Although it doesn't always seem like it to those around me, I feel as though I've developed (and will continue to develop) a far more organic outlook. Mental health (be it to talk to someone or exercise) is extremely important to me now, and I do whatever I need to in order to achieve the best possible mental health. Doing what makes me happy is of the utmost importance. The way I see it, if the world were to be destroyed by a natural disaster tomorrow, would I be happy doing what I'm doing today?

Its been a lot to think about, especially in the past year. With this new point of view, I've tried to expel as much negativity from my life as possible. This includes habits, thoughts and quite frankly, it includes people as well. We only have so much time while we're here, and the time that I have that's free I don't necessarily want to spend with anyone who does not have a positive influence in my life. This includes people who express feelings of judgement, insecurity (which then is perpetrated onto others), closed mindedness or those who are afraid to leave their comfort zone and criticize those who are not afraid to do so. Negativity is like poison for your life, and it's contagious. I decided that I did not want that in my life, as much as I could help it.

Laurens died at a very young age, which could happen to anyone. The important point is it take everything you can in stride, and appreciate the positive things in your life. Looking back (especially now that I know what my next step will be) I feel pretty stupid for all my freakouts about being stuck in one spot. Here I was, totally panicking about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. When I met Laurens, he was wondering if he'd even HAVE a "rest of his life."

Keep loved ones close to you always, and do what makes you happy. At the end of the day, the other crap just doesn't matter.